And I would be the one
by Trika-chan
Summary: Let's hear it for angst! Tsuzuki and Hisoka try to comfort each other in the night, going over all they've went through, while Muraki tries to sort himself out somewhere else. Complicated little song fic thing.


Possession  
  
By T.C.  
  
A/N: I know, all of my Yami fics are some form of songfic. But that's all right, ne? Another one shot fic-thing.yeah, the only reason I wrote this is because It's based on an anime music video I saw, which was so brilliant it inspired me. It used this song, and the same format as the story (3 characters for the 3 verses). So, here's a story version of it. Watch out for random changes of perspective. Look for the pattern *wink* and see if you can guess who the verses are for. I'll give you a hint, the person whose perspective it is, is not always the one the verse is about. Tsuzuki/Hisoka and a little Muraki/Oriya. Much much angst.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei or the song "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan. I don't own the idea for this, really. Whoever made the music video does.but yeah. Enjoy anyway ^_^  
  
Lay softly now, don't move.  
He wants to move. I can see it in his eyes. But I won't let him.  
Be still, Tsuzuki.  
I'll hold you until you calm down. Quiet now.  
He feels so alone. I can also see that in his eyes. Why should he feel lonely? I'm here, aren't I?  
It's so hard for him.  
His life.it's been a torturous journey for the poor man. I.can understand that he would feel lonely. But he has to trust me.  
Listen to me, Tsuzuki; I'm only here to help you.  
He's remembering everything all over again.  
I've learned now that the only way to end the dreams is to let him go through it all again in his mind, and then he wakes up and feels better.  
Let him think about it all.  
About all he's been through.  
  
"Listen as the wind blows,  
From across the great divide."  
  
He twists and turns.  
"Hisoka."  
He mutters my name softly. Shh, it's okay, I'm here.  
He looks up at me with those violet eyes.  
I shake my head.  
"You have to remember, Tsuzuki. Go over it all one more time."  
"Hisoka, I can't."  
"Yes, you can. And you have to. The only way to get through something is to accept. Accept what has gone on, please, you need to try to remember."  
He turns away from me. I feel a pang of guilt. What right do I have to go and force him into remembering things he wants so badly to forget?  
"Hisoka."  
"Tsuzuki, listen. I know it's hard, but the memories can only help you to accept them. If you won't do it for you, then at least do it for me."  
He's been through so much.  
I have no right.  
"Hisoka, why do you care so much about me remembering?"  
  
"Voices trapped in yearning,  
Memories trapped in time"  
  
That question caught me off guard.  
"Why.why do I care?" I stuttered.  
"Why does it matter to you if I ever get better? Why do you sit here by my bedside every night telling me to remember, please remember, because it will help me?"  
I sigh.  
"Tsuzuki, you know the answer to that question."  
He looks away, again. That hurts me somewhere in my heart. He doesn't have to look away like that. Don't be ashamed, Tsuzuki.  
"I remember all of it."  
I blink. But is he willing to talk about it?  
"You want to.talk about it, Tsuzuki?"  
He stares at me again with the eyes.  
"I don't know."  
I sigh.  
I reach out and run my hand down his cheek.  
When did I get so damn affectionate, eh?  
He closes his eyes.  
"I remember.the fire. And I was going to kill myself, I remember. But you stopped me."  
I nod.  
"Right, that's a start."  
"And, I remember.remembering my past."  
"Do you want to talk about that?"  
He shakes his head.  
"Do I have to?"  
"Do you want it to ever go away?"  
He turns away for the third time.  
What is he so scared of?  
  
"The night is my companion,  
And solitude my guide."  
  
"The sun has set, Hisoka. Aren't you tired? Don't you want to go home?"  
He changes the subject abruptly.  
I smile sadly.  
"I'd rather be here, more than anywhere else."  
He blushes. It looks rather cute. I hold back another smile and just sort of lean against him.  
"Tell me, Tsuzuki.you've been through so much.why don't you just pass on? Go to heaven? Away from here?"  
He sighs.  
"Because I was sent here to complete a job.become a Shinigami.when my time here is up I will go on, I suppose. If I choose. I could stay a Shinigami forever.though."  
I wonder why he would ever want to do that. I know.if I had been imprisoned my entire afterlife, I'd want to get out as soon as I were free. But then.I chose to become a Shinigami myself. And only to find my murderer.and once I did I stayed.  
But I know the answer to why I stayed.  
But why does he?  
  
"Would I spend forever here,  
And not be satisfied?"  
  
"Tsuzuki, why would you want to stay here? Once you were free to go?"  
He sighs.  
"You answer that, Hisoka. What is my one strongest weakness?"  
I blink.  
"Sweets?"  
He laughs. The first time I've heard him laugh in a long, long time.  
"No, silly. What do I do constantly, that has gotten me possessed by a demon and almost killed numerous times."  
I understand.  
"You care too much."  
Now I get it. He could never leave us.because we are the people he has grown to love and care about. To leave us.would be a selfish act in his eyes.  
I sigh. How many times have I sighed all ready?  
"You never think of yourself, Tsuzuki. You know that?"  
He smiles softly.  
"Of course I know that."  
I nod. It makes me wonder.  
"Tsuzuki.do you remember your family?"  
The sudden mention of his memories makes him squirm slightly.  
"Yeah, I suppose. Before.you know."  
I nod. And then I sigh.  
"You're so alone, Tsuzuki. I wish I could help you."  
  
"And I would be the one,  
To hold you down, kiss you so hard."  
  
"But you have."  
I wonder just exactly how I have. He answers that question for me before I can ask.  
"You saved me from a fate I never deserved. Or so everyone tells me."  
"You didn't deserve to have to kill yourself," I answer, confirming the point he made.  
"I guess.but without you, I would have dismissed that a long time ago. I'm never alone anymore, wherever I go you're there."  
"Is that a bad thing?" I ask him.  
"Of course not! I want you near me, you know." He adds to this by wrapping his arms around me and hugging me. And suddenly I know I don't need to ask any questions. I understand. I want to be the one there with him always. And he said right now he's gunna let me.  
  
"I'll take your breath away,  
And after I'd wipe away the tears."  
  
The silent tears come like they do every night.  
And like so many nights and days and months before, I kiss his forehead and wipe them away with my sleeve. I really have grown dangerously affectionate. For what I was.this is some improvement. I guess I'm glad though.  
Because more than anything, I want him to be safe.  
He lies down in the bed, and I make sure his sheets and blankets are there and then I turn his lamp off for him. Like taking care of a child. But in many ways it is the same, but also very different. He's more to me than a child; he's my only friend. Someone I love more than anything.  
"You'll be ok tonight?"  
I ask this every time.  
"I think so. Thanks for coming, Hisoka."  
"You know, you don't have to thank me. I want to come and be with you. I feel.it's my duty to protect my partner."  
He smiles and I kiss his cheek before whispering my "goodnight" and slipping out the door. I guess someday I'll find the courage in me to also whisper "I love you," but I don't think it's really necessary. He'd have to be blind not to see the love I give him every time I come for one of these visits.  
But then, even if he couldn't see.it would be all right, anyway.  
And I leave his apartment, feeling just a little bit better than I did the last visit.  
Because that's the way it goes. Things heal slowly.  
  
"Just close your eyes, dear."  
  
Hisoka left.  
Do you think it would be childish to miss him all ready?  
Because I do.  
I guess someday I'll ask him to stay. Sleep over, or something. Or maybe even live here with me, even though.I don't know if we're ready for something like that. Yet, we both spend so much time together, might as well just get rid of the distance between.  
Hisoka helps me so much.  
Why does he try so hard to be there for me?  
Its not like his life has been a piece of cake. He's been cheated out of his home, his innocence, and his life. He has nothing except me. He told me once that he lives for me. And though he's told me so many times why, I wonder what happened to the person who could have been what he is to me to him.  
Doesn't anyone want to help him? Isn't he worth helping? He's just as sad and lonely as I.  
  
"Through this world I've stumbled,  
So many times betrayed."  
  
He was lost for such a long time.  
He tells me every night to try and remember my life. He tells me that I can't forget myself. But what about his life? His family betrayed him. They hated him. They locked him up. That's traumatizing all in itself. Does he think about those things he went through, every night when he goes to sleep?  
Does he do what he forces me to do?  
Is he trying to heal himself?  
I wonder.why would someone who tries so hard to heal themselves, also try to fix someone else?  
Does he.care that much for me? He must love me deeply to put aside his memories and healing for my own.  
God, do I have that kind of love?  
He was lied to so many times. All the people who loved him, they lied. They said they loved him, but they lied. They locked him up. They hated him. They lied to others to hide his existence.  
I don't want to lie to Hisoka.  
I want him to know the truth about myself.  
And my feelings and memories.  
  
"Trying to find an honest word to find,  
The truth enslaved."  
  
God, I can't sleep.  
He leaves me so peacefully, but as soon as the door shuts, I'm wide- awake. I can never sleep these days. The dreams.if I dream the dreams, I remember. Hisoka tells me I have to remember. But it hurts inside.  
Does he still hurt?  
That curse.he still has the curse on him. The one Muraki put upon him when he.did those awful things to Hisoka. I wonder.does that still hurt him? He will always be scarred by it. He must hurt everyday. I know.though Muraki is gone.Hisoka still suffers. And he probably will suffer for the rest of his afterlife.  
He doesn't deserve that!  
Hisoka is just a child.  
Or is he?  
He seems so mature. He's 16 but.he seems to understand everything. Does he? I know I've confused him more than a few times. He wants to understand me. But sometimes it's hard because I hide myself from him. From everybody.  
  
"You speak to me in riddles,  
And you speak to me in rhymes."  
  
I should stop confusing people.  
First Tatsumi.and everybody.I've confused them all. I've made them believe I was all right.but I never was. Only Hisoka saw through some of it. And he came to save me. Hisoka.why do you want me here so badly?  
He cares so deeply for me.  
I'm selfish to want to hurt him by leaving.  
It's funny.how sad one can get over someone else. I'm sad because Hisoka hurts. I'm sad because I hurt.  
I just want the sadness to go away.  
We are a lot alike, I think.  
Not on the outside, but on the inside. Both Hisoka and I hurt deeply. Physically and emotionally. We both went through such a hard life and now.even in death we find more challenges to face and a world of hatred to face.  
I guess that's why we find solitude in one another. Happiness in each other's arms.  
Funny how something so awful as death can bring two very sad people together to become happy.  
And I know he wants to be a part of me so badly. I have let to really let him in. I don't want him to ever leave me.but I've never wanted to love someone.  
He wants me to love him.  
  
"My body aches to breathe your breath,  
You're words keep me alive."  
  
"I will live for you."  
He really does. And he always will.  
Gee, I guess I do love him.  
Where would I be without Hisoka?  
I sit up in bed and rub my head, softly easing the headache of the night away.  
I get up and open the window. I'm staring out at the night before me. Softly in the distance I can see Hisoka walking still.back towards his apartment. Sadly, I wish he were walking here instead.  
Is he waking back to me? Kind of looks as if he's leaving.but the from is slowly getting bigger instead of smaller.  
Hisoka couldn't leave me.  
I'm smiling because he's coming back.  
I sit down on the bed and silently wait. When he comes in, I think I'll have to glomp him. And hug him a lot. Because he needs it.  
  
"And I would be the one,  
To hold you down, kiss you so hard."  
  
I can hear his footsteps now.  
He really is returning to me.  
I guess I won't have to ask him to stay. He'll do it himself.  
I hear him open the door to my apartment and softly walk back inside. Towards my room; he's awfully quiet. I hear the creak of my door opening.  
And there he is.  
"Hey," I say softly.  
"I didn't think you'd really be asleep. I had to come back and check on you." he says this all flustered like. I think he's embarrassed. Too bad it's dark and I can't see him blushing.  
He comes over and sits on the bed beside me.  
"Listen.you need to get some sleep so, I'll sit by your side so that we're not zombies tomorrow at work, ok?"  
I just nod. I guess I'm too tired for glomping. Maybe a hug is still possible. I lean over and pull him into my arms.  
  
"I'll take your breath away,  
And after I'd wipe away the tears."  
  
He cuddles into my arms.  
I'm much happier like this. Because now we can hurt together, and still be safe.  
What's comforting is.there are no tears this time.  
"Tsuzuki, are you sad?"  
He asks this, even though his voice is muffled from my nightshirt.  
"No.not anymore. Though, I think we'll be sad for a long time before we're ever happy."  
He shakes his head.  
"I'm happy right now."  
I don't reply to this. I only hug him tighter.  
He tells me to go to sleep. We should really get some rest. I obey him as he moves beside me so we're lying there together.  
And I guess I'm slowly falling asleep.  
It feels so much safer with him here.  
I feel so much safer with him here.  
  
"Just close your eyes, dear."  
  
"You've come back here, even after all you've been through?"  
"Where else can I go?"  
His silver eye watches me in the moonlight.  
"You don't have anywhere to go, Muraki."  
He sits down on the wall, staring out into the night. His silver hair glitters in the moonlight. Its sort of a creepy glow.makes a shiver go up my spine. He's always had such a creepy aura.but I guess that's his nature. To scare people. To hurt people.  
"I have no home.yet I have come back here. I understand you won't let me stay. So I guess.I'm just a wanderer, aren't I?"  
I just fold my arms and scowl.  
"If you leave, you'll just go off and kill more people and cause more trouble."  
He smiles. I don't know how I know; I can just tell when he smiles that brooding smile of his. The one that causes so many people to hide in fear. He turns to me.  
"And if you stay." I continue.  
"Would you let me stay?"  
"I don't know."  
I'm wondering why I'm even considering it. After all.I hate him, right?  
"I guess I'll just wander on, won't I?"  
"I guess."  
  
"Into this night I wander,  
It's morning that I dread."  
  
"Muraki, will you still chase him?"  
He turns to stare at me. I walk over and sit down next to him on the wall. I'm used to him. I don't fear him like I used to. Not any more. It was a different fear long ago.  
He pretends he doesn't know what I mean.  
"Whoever would I want to chase, Oriya?"  
I just roll my eyes.  
"That Shinigami. The one you're so smitten with."  
He looks back out into the dark. I wait patiently for his answer.  
"I don't think I'll ever catch him. So why continue the chase?"  
That answer shocks me completely.  
Muraki, giving up? Muraki, the evil sadistic killer, giving up on a wild chase for a gorgeous body to do what he wants with? There's something more to this.  
"Muraki.I have never known you to ever give up on something your so interested in. What else is there to this?"  
Muraki laughs softly.  
"I haven't a chance with Tsuzuki. I thought I did. But there's something else there inside him, something that no matter what I do to him would never go away."  
I blink. This is just weird. Muraki is going of on a confession that he can't do something.  
I wonder.is that something inside the Shinigami something that even Muraki fears?  
  
"Another day of knowing,  
Of the path I fear to tread."  
  
"What?" I ask, "What is it inside him?"  
He smiles again. Thinking. How will he answer me this time?  
"He has something in him that.no matter what I do to him, he would never give to me. Because he has all ready given it to another."  
I frown.  
"That's never stopped you before. You always take what you want even if they belong to someone else."  
He laughs again.  
"It's not so easy, Oriya."  
I wonder just exactly what he means.  
"Easy?"  
"To take something that cannot be taken. I would never be able to take this from him. There is no spell or curse in the world that can do it. Interesting, isn't it?"  
I wonder.  
"But you've gotten so close, have you not? You've had him in your possession for a while before, why suddenly the change of mind?"  
"Because even the cruelest of animals have a heart. And what we long for most.I cannot get from him."  
I narrow my eyes.  
"But you still have not told me what exactly it is that he has."  
Muraki turns and stares me straight in the eye.  
"Love."  
  
"Oh into the sea of waking dreams,  
I follow without pride."  
  
I blink.  
"And so because of his love for someone else, you've given up on him? Muraki.you've killed and raped plenty of people who have loved. Why is he so different?"  
He takes off his glasses silently.  
"He is beautiful. Graceful. Gorgeous. A body I longed to have in my clutches. And I have had my chances at having it. But there was always something missing between us. He always gave his heart to someone else. And because I hurt the people he gave his heart to.he hated me. And there wasn't a way I could have him then."  
I start to realize what he's saying. It's what he's saying that makes me stare at him in total disbelief.  
"So you're telling me.you wanted not only his body.but his love?"  
He doesn't reply. I take it to be true.  
Muraki.looking for love.  
Impossible.  
He seems to be spilling his secrets to me, one by one. Why, though? Why tell me? I'm put an old friend. Someone he could care less about... when it comes to that Shinigami.  
  
"Nothing stands between us here,  
And I won't be denied."  
  
"Muraki."  
"Yes?"  
He finishes cleaning his glasses and stares down at me.  
"Is it true that you wish for love?"  
"I suppose. Though, it seems foolish."  
Impossible. Is it true.?  
"Will you try to make him love you?"  
He shakes his head.  
"Don't you listen to me, Oriya? He gave it to another; I have given up my chase. I will wonder on and look for other things. And maybe someday I shall find him again and try once more, but for now I shall leave him."  
And suddenly I feel sorry for him.  
I have hated him for so long, but now I'm feeling badly for him.  
"I suppose you can stay here, until you feel the need to wander off again." I said, quietly.  
He smiles and brushes a hand against my cheek.  
"You didn't have to say that, Oriya, I'd have stayed here even if you denied me thousands of times."  
I wish he would take his hand away.  
But I don't move it.  
  
"And I would be the one,  
To hold you down, kiss you so hard."  
  
"But that's it? No more killing?"  
I still can't believe he'd give up the murdering.  
"We shall see. I need to sleep. I need to rest, for a good while. And then maybe I shall go back to my games."  
He will always go back to the games.  
"Well, come on then, go inside and go to sleep."  
I point to the house behind me. The place where I live. The places of his past.  
I get up and begin to walk away.  
But he does not move.  
"You going to come?" I ask smoothly.  
He remains silent. And then...  
"Maybe later." He answers.  
I squint in the moonlight to try and read his face. He wants to be alone. He wants time to think.  
Of all things, this is something I can give him.  
I can help him.  
The question is, do I want to help him?  
  
"I'll take your breath away,  
And after I'd wipe away the tears."  
  
"Good night, then." I say to him.  
He waves to me, before I walk silently back to the house.  
I turn once more to stare at him.  
And I see him wipe his sleeve against his face.  
Was he.wiping away tears?  
Muraki, crying? That's hard to believe.  
But I guess everyone has sadness inside of themselves.  
God knows.he must have more sadness in him than 20 people combined. After all he has ever gone through. I still hate him. I guess I always will.  
It's funny that I still want to help him.  
I guess in a way, I love him too.  
  
"Just close your eyes."  
  
~Owari~  
  
A/N: all done! Review please. It's good for you. I hope I didn't mess any of the characters up too much. Never written Oriya before. Eheh. So, I hope you liked it. The amv to this song can be seen here: , and yes, I know the events of the story don't really go along with it. But what can I say; it turned out this way so this is the way it is. You can go review now. Yeah. 


End file.
